Love and lies
by Halliwell-Charmed
Summary: very strange, written at 4 am very wierd and had my friends in hysterics
1. Chapter 1

**My friend Ellie and I decided we were bored of normal fan fic so this is our take on harry potter we do hope you enjoy but we do love hp **

**nd sadly we dnt own the characters **

**Harry looked at the plate of cold dog food that had been set in front of him at the table by his mean, horse faced Aunt Petunia and picked up a fork. Ever the long-suffering hero, he heaved a dramatic (and frankly unnecessary, because it was very high quality dog food) sigh and with an expression of noble fortitude, began to eat.**

**As he forced down the chunks of meaty sustenance that Lay on his plate he began to remember his days at Hogwarts which seemed so far away……**

"**Oi, Potter, you smell" remarked Malfoy wittily as he passed his table in the dining hall**

"**Yes, I think it's quite a manly scent, don't you, my love?" asked Harry dreamily, imagining himself pouring chocolate over Malfoy's naked body**

"**ummm NO really Potter, No I don't." as he dreamed the same dream**

"**Just kidding, see ya later, sexy" Malfoy purred, strutting off to his equally sexy Slytherin pals. Harry watched his ass sashay off appreciatively and turned his attention back to Hermione's very boring conversation.**

"**Blah blah blah……homework…..blah blah blah" she bleated……**

**Ah yes, those were the days. **

**A few days later Harry dragged his oh so heavy bag onto Platform 9 and ¾. Well, when I say dragged, I mean he pushed it on a convenient trolley. He huffed and he puffed and his face turned a nice shade of red as he heaved his bag onto the Hogwart express. His bag wasn't actually that heavy as earlier in the day Harry had found a very convenient spell, which meant he no longer had to ask for help from Hermione when carrying his bag. But one has to put on a show for ones adoring public, doesn't one?**

**Harry gave his bad to an adoring first year and strolled into his compartment which had been specially made for him an all his needs. So it also contained a very large king sized bed for him and his many sexual partners. Hermione and Ron sat on the edge of the bed. **

"**Bigger that last year." Ron remarked **

"**Well I got more girls this year and there all up for it. Me and you buddy you in?" Harry questioned **

"**Ron don't answer that I thought I was the only girl for you?" Hermione snapped **

" **Yes dear but well,(dramatic pause) I need someone to fill well, (another dramatic pause) my more shallower needs." **

"**Or twelve someones" agreed Harry. Ron nodded sagely.**

"**Ok," said Hermione reluctantly "But I get first go on Malfoy then"**

**both boys open their mouths to complain **


	2. Chapter 2

**ok ok this is chapters 2 and 3 in one arnt you amazed we all cry "YES" and with an amazing cliffhanger i know what you now cry "noooo" how could we well all you have to do is hit the litlle button down the bottom of the page and we will all be happy because you shull find out that well you will have to wait and see...**

**The train steamed into Hogwarts as 5 young girls ran out giggling from harry's compartment. **

"**First years this way." Bellowed Hagrid looking as usual as though he had been interrupted half way through eating a badger **

**A Swarm of bees better known as first years buzzed up to Hagrid and looked expectant. Whilst not actually ceasing their annoying chatter. When Harry passed they all turned, stared and regarded him with a reverent silence, broken only by making stupid remarks like "Hey, that's Harry Potter!" Harry internally rolled his eyes. Well of course it was him, who else would it be with such a charming and handsome face, such intense green eyes and beautifully ruffled black hair. It took him half a ton of hair gel to get it like that. Outwardly however, he gave a regal wave and swept elegantly past the first years, who he had become to regard as insects beneath his wit and intelligence. And courage of course.**

**Harry was carried in a sedan chair by his adoring fans. Whey arrived they were greeted with a warm welcome but still there was an element of grief hanging like a dead flobber worm in the air. Harry was greeted by the new headmistress who Harry knew as Minerva McGonagall he was then seated at the high end of the Gryffindor table in a throne made of pure gold and unicorn wings the legs were also made of fossilised snake. ( the one he had defeated of course in the chamber of secrets) The hat began his chant:**

**Eye of mushroom, toe of snake**

**The finest cake my Mum can bake **

**Harry stands all great and tall**

**But you lot are rather small**

**And frankly you all smell a bit **

**The robes you wear don't quite fit **

**Dumbledore's dead so I'm on strike**

**The feast prepared I think I'll like**

**Stop gaping at me all you twits **

**Sort your self you lazy gits**

**A stunned silence passed through the great hall and it was finally broken by harry leaping out of his chair clapping wildly. Soon everyone had joined in. It was finally broken by McGonagall. **

"**Right u guess I will just have to do the sorting, in a line now please alphabetical."**

**The bees buzzed slowly into a line and McGonalgall began. **

"**Albert Apalby, stupid sounding name, HUFFlEPUFF!"**

"**Amy Attica, you look sufficiently evil and annoying, SLYTHERIN!"**

**all the way to**

"**Ziggy Ziggy, ah, I don't care. RAVENCLAW"**

**The first day had passed and now all the Gryffindor's were in the common room. Well except for Harry who had decided to have an 'early night'. He lay in his four poster bed with two of the new Gryffindor. He didn't know their names but they had given him a great time. Now he felt rather exhausted but still felt he had the effort for Malfoy if he was to join him. **

"**Harry," squeaked one of his new 'friends' "Harry, can I have your autograph?"**

"**No!" growled Harry, tipping the offending girls out of his bed. As Ron opened the door of the dormitory they ran past him squealing, wrapped in a hastily snatched bedsheet. He cast an interested eye over them before entering and closing the door behind him. **

"**Harry, first years what the hell they're like, 11 years old, not even legal. You can't…I mean it's against the law even I know that and I wasn't bought up by muggles. You're going to far this time Harry." R on disapproved**

"**It's fine no one cares they all worship me because I survived and I'm amazing, wonderful, brilliant you know?" Harry questioned **

"**Yeah, and don't I know it." Ron muttered under his breath "always the best, He even gets Malfoy."**

"**what was that Ron, I couldn't be bothered to l.isten to your droning voice." **

"**Nothing, don't strain yourself to listen." "Ok, I won't." answered Harry cheerily, turning over and slipping into the dark embrace of sleep, and into a dream….**

…**..Voldemort paced angrily around the blackened room, dappled light speckling the flagstones as it seeped through the grimy windows. **

"**So, what you're trying to tell me is….?"**

"**Master," grovelled Wormtail "I beg your forgiveness. But-"**

"**-Heat is sold out at the newsstand." Drawled Severus Snape "we brought you Cosmo and OK, that was all they had"**

"**Fools" Voldemort hissed sibilantly, the sound of his husky voice sending a shiver up the spine of Harry in his sleep. "It is time for me to conduct my own affairs. It is time that I revealed my true self"**

"**Master!" pleaded Wormtail "it's too dangerous"**


End file.
